I promise to clean up in the morning.

Tonight, just let me fall apart as I watch you walk away.

You shone a light on my fears and showed me I had nothing to be afraid of.

Then you left and put all the lights out.

While I was awed by the sun on your face,

I never noticed the hurt held in your hands.

Dear Ox,

A year ago, I sent you my hopes and wishes only to be slapped hard in the face on your summer. How cruel of you to drive me off the edge of my sanity. You have no idea how painful it was for me to find myself in the pits of misery and life loathing all over again. But you weren't so cold hearted after all. With this misfortune, you led me to take the biggest leap I ever made in the 2 decades of my entire existence. Truth be told of how scared and anxious I was initially. The first blows of failures both served as insults and begged me to reconsider the arrogance in me. I was ready to retreat and reassess my alternatives. But then again, you surprised me with an army of good souls.-unexpected but much appreciated.

So no matter how much I lack the enthusiasm over the Holidays, accept my gratitude for the 365 days that you laid down for me. And for the kind hearts that you shared and allowed me to keep over the years, no matter how undeserving I am.

Now, I bid you farewell with the assurance that your reign will be remembered.

Season's Greetings

Photo taken: June 8, 2008

Location: Quirino Highway

Tools of the trade: Canon EOS 400D + CS3

Oh Sanity

Tonight I sorrow.

Over nothings and this silence that's gnawing through me.

Pardon me for my insensible rantings are irrelevant to this world.

Spare me a minute or two as I allow myself to be vulnerable.

Heaven grant me strength.

For I am fighting the urge to resort to self destruction.

For the want of

I've missed and been missing a lot of things lately.

School has been torturous that I've resorted to reconsider my future in this crap hole that I put myself into. Not that I am giving up but it's more of being rejected by your childhood dream. I knew beforehand that Medicine is cut throat to begin with, but the reality of flunkages and no more than that is sucking the hopes out of me.

I am missing college days. Andz, Allyl, Cookie and I being in our procastinator selves while Madz being the one who chants: "Guys, focus" when we tend to drift away from what needs to be accomplished. I miss Les Femmes and the togetherness of it. The fact that you wouldn't care if your underpants could be seen in the open and be unlady-like is just one of the reasons. I miss all my lesbian lovers, groupmates and fellow dormers. I miss the mess in 210, along with all the daily kulitans with my roomates.--Kaye, Pao and Bobot acting all childish in their baby voices. I miss the gossips that spread like wild fire, along with Tina's late night visits that eat up hours but would seem like it were just minutes. I miss Friday night dinners with the Yappies, even the bay's humid air that used to be annoying. I miss Malate, the blue light posts, and the reality that it would take hours for you to successfully pull a cab and hear the cab driver actually say yes to your destination. I miss Pedro Gil and its tiangge that would do as your neighborhood divisoria. I miss Rob Manila and its proximity, and the fact that we all know it as if it were the back of our hands.

I am Missing.

Tagaytay Outtakes

September 2, 2009

What better way to end the Midterms than to savor the southern breeze with good company.

Scraps of Creativity

The lack of inspiration led to the lack of artsy-ness in moi,
Just some of the tolerable shots I recently took:

Midyear Invitation

Doodles in Biochem

Dear Hope,

Please win me over the soonest you can.

more than grateful

In all honesty, I am near the brink of breaking down after a month or so's stay at med school. But for now, all that crapola is temporarily thrown out of the window since I got a very, very, very, very delightful consolation yesterafternoon.

Ate Mhel, an upperclassman of mine back in high school, is currently in Tokyo right now. We got to exchange thoughts and the like thru a microblogging site called plurk. Last May, he read my post re: rant for want of Evangelion movie and merchandise. He offered me that he could snoop around the streets of Tokyo in attempts to bag one for moi.

Barely 2 months later, he asked for my address and my heart was leaping inside of me out of sheer ecstacy. Yesterday, I got home with a broken spirit coz of this forsaken prelims. But my tita said a package arrived. My head immediately went "Ding! Ding! Ding!" 2 seconds later, my hands were diving in the box and grab ahold of these babies. Add a complete ecstatic-borderline-maniac smile and you get yourself "the look of a 5 year old on Christmas" on a 21 year old. I promised I'd send him photos once I received them but sleep deprivation took its toll on me. I was so excited to get home today for the picos. Now I just finished a photoshoot with my very lovely collectibles.--as promised to Ate Mhel.

NERV logos which are stands for Shinji and Kaworu

Shinji Ikari


Kaworu Nagisa

Asuka Langley Soryu

(My favorite pilot)

Rei Ayanami
(Hate her but she's Andi's fave)

Pilots

Others may see this as me being childish and all but heck, this is Evangelion. And it is the mecca of animes. Even Jerry Bruckheimer and Stephen Spielberg are presenting themselves to produce the movie version of this masterpiece. I just hope that the 2.0 movie would be available at Quiapo or some sidewalk dvd vendor.

Before I end this post, I just want to extend my deepest gratitude to the person who's behind all this. For if not for his moving thoughtfulness and generosity, I would've resorted to tears.

So....

best breakfast ever

During our first and second years in college, we often indulged in a restaurant slash grill slash smoking room slash drinking place called The Pit beside St. Paul. But the real story behind all those patronage was because of their Oreo Cheesecake. For P55.00, you get to indulge in happiness. And it didn't take long for it to become infamous among Paulinians. However, sometime before junior year, The Pit shut down. We couldn't ponder on the reason why since it being a notorious favorite among the students is enough reason for them to stay there (posssibly forever). A year later, I saw The Pit established at the seaside at Mall of Asia. However, I didn't have the willpower to go in and treat myself to the infamous cheesecake.

Almost 3 years after my last taste of it, my post-grad friend Ezra told me that her friend dropped off one Oreo Cheesecake at her place. In an instantaneous manner, my mouth watered. I could almost imagine the taste of it. But heck, it's one of those bittersweet memories.

2 days later, she happily showed up in our classroom with a tupperware and teaspoon in hand. My heart fluttered. OMG. A few minutes later, I was taking all the details in my head, soaking up the texture and the familiarity of its taste. She offered me some chips but I wanted the cheesecake to linger in my tastebuds. And that was it. I was pretty much happy the entire day.

So thank you Ezra! You certainly made my day.

Nothing not worth it is not worth waiting for.

I remember thinking that girls on shows like ANTM (America's Next Top Model) are so lame when they say "I want this so bad blah blah blah" on cam and yet somewhere along the show, they were sent home. Apply empathy and I am those girls. I've been wanting to donn on that white coat since I was a kid. So even though that the first 3 weeks has already deprived me of sleep, eat, and socialization, I am willing to suck it all up in order to realize that dream.

Everyday, I beseech God that He help me with this. And just like my prayers during undergrad, I pray again:

"Lord, if this is not in Your plans for me, then let me not have it
and reveal the path that You would want me to take."

today

is the day when the rest of my life begins.

There had been several activities that the Med Student Council arranged for us freshies. Some were icebreakers, and some were pretty reflective. And suddenly I found myself among the sea of 400+ strangers and non-strangers, who all have one thing in common: the dream to hopefully become a MD someday.

Though part of me says that many of those in the same population are probably still at lost, perhaps pondering on the very reason why they plunged themselves into this living hell. Or like me, are taking this rare opportunity to give their career lives a chance to take the next step in hopes to fulfill some unexplainable internal desire.

I am unsure of what lies before me for the next 5 years. God help me that I make it through. I know I'm a no brainer-arrogant to get myself into some serious post grad course. But by His Grace, I am fueled to go on.

PS
I wish to look back on this post perhaps half a decade from now.

shameless plugs

Andy's:
plurk + deviantART + blogger

Madz's:
blogger

Marj's:
deviantART + blogger

monsooned june

If rain was a bit more tangible then I would run out of the house clad in nothing but wrinkled PJs, spread my arms apart, gaze through the heavens and say aloud: "Welcome home!" But since that would only make others think a fool of me and increase my chances of getting sick, I've resorted to habitual gestures of brief early morning peeks through the window so as to witness the sight of grey skies, toppled with gentle musings of rain drops. Afterwards, I fall back to sleep with a little wry smile.

Simply put: rain is happiness.

It's enough reason to ditch the ac, don on a sweater, make a warm cup of coffee or choco, and just be.

This is existence. Simple, raw and naked existence.